Do not read this if you are pregnant or have children

[create_destiny]

All this Harry Potter shit is driving me batty. Last night because I couldn't take it anymore, I laid in bed and wondered what I would do if I had the power to completely annihilate human existence.

I don't understand happy pregnant people. I'd love to delve into this topic but I have an obsessive fear that on judgment day God is going to be like, "What's up with the hate-on for happy pregnant people?" Of course there's a million things I could come back at him with: Lyme disease, concentration camps, the stench of decomposing bodies (to name a few) but it doesn't matter. You can't argue with God. I tried it once. For five years. It's like trying to reason with a brick wall of love.

I watched Sideways a few days ago and realized that I am that chicken-shit, black hole of negativity writer guy. I have this realization every few years or so and vow to start taking crazy risks, shake things up a bit. The last time I did this I woke up in my car after a night of heavy drinking, parked in the middle of an empty field with a stray dog that I'd never seen before in my back seat. He had really muddy paws and my shoes were gone.*

I want courage. Or at least some brave new pills, preferably orange-flavored chewables.


*That didn't really happen to me. It happened to a co-worker of mine and I happen to think it's hilarious.

Comments

Flintstones Soma?

[substitute.livejournal.com]

I love that dog story.

[ygolonac.livejournal.com]

You need to stop playa-hating on Harry Potter! He helps kids read and understand it's ok to be a little wierd. And they are fun little read.

How you can be worried about your hate-on for happy pregnant people when you are such a Harry-hater. More people love Harry Potter than love Happy Pregnant People.

Too bad that didn't really happen to you. I wanna know what happened to the dog.

You wanna go out and get shit faced drunk at the bars downtown and see where we end up?

[faerieariel.livejournal.com]

The good news is that the chicken-shit, black hole of negativity writer guy usually gets laid anyway. Or at least the ones I dated did. As for the pregnant happy people? Yeah, it's all really exciting in theory, but every baby eventually poos, and then the magic is gone (you can probably tell I'm not so much of a 'breeder'.)

[posteverything.livejournal.com]

My 30 year old friend insisted that I go with him to Barnes and Noble, at midnight, to buy the newest Harry Potter book.

I really kind of wanted to just pee on him right then and there.

[whosplittheatom.livejournal.com]

I don't know what's worse, your arguing with a brick wall of love or my arguing with a brick wall of causality and determinism.

"eh, what's the use, gimme Schlitz!"

[cherryfly.livejournal.com]

I disregarded your instructions and read.
I'm pregnant, and fairly happy, but it does suck sometimes.
Like last night. When I got up to pee four times. Twice before I even fell asleep.
But that's not what you meant, I think.

[nameleswanderer.livejournal.com]

Who needs pills when there is chocolate?

Pregnant happy people are happy because it balances out the fear and terror the guy is having. I have lived with a happy pregnant person (it wasn't my kid) and no form of torture could ever make me do it again.

[thejuicyone.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHAHA that is hilarious!!! holy shit. i can't imagine that ever happening to me :\

i understand happy pregnant people - imagine something as surreal as a small little baby growing inside of you - a part of you and one other person. i love babies :)

[nameleswanderer.livejournal.com]

Wait a minute. You had cat drugs and woke up with a stray dog? I know who you are. You're the infamous DDD, Doggie Drug Dealer! Someone should report you. You make the alleys unsafe for trash can rooting. You make too dangerous to go to the local fire hydrant. You are always out there peddaling your evil doggie chews, cat tranquilizers and catnip. I have seen you hanging around the pound trying to recruit new pushers. I have also heard that you hang around pet stores pushing your horrible substances onto our younger generation. The cops should be hot on your tail. They will collar you soon.

[dietcokehed.livejournal.com]

I'm also not paying attention to the warning :P

I'm not pregnant (thankfully) but I have kidos. Not sure why I should be upset by your post, and having kids...but I was also not much of a happy pregnant person, I don't think. In fact, I recall being pretty damn miserable the first three months...had maybe a couple months of decent comfort before BALLOONING, unable to sleep, sit, stand or eat >:\ And that lasted, what, another four or five months? Nope, no happy preggers here :)

...maybe next time.

I also don't understand the HP craze, but I don't hate it quite as venomously as you ;-)

[bug-311.livejournal.com]

I like Harry Potter, and I think that if all you haters just gave it a read instead of saying it's a piece of shit, you might change your mind.

Trying having an open mind about it.