Dear makers of Greenies Smart Chews for dogs:

I was recently in a pet supply store shopping for cat butt wipes when I saw your display of Greenie Non-Edible Dental Chews. I was particularly intrigued by the promise of "a burst of melon flavor for your pet." I decided to purchase this product for my boyfriend's dog in order to assuage my guilty conscience for recently mocking his dog and singing accusatory songs that contained the words "Pukey Mc Fart-Fart."

Before giving this non-edible dental chew to the dog I decided that I would first chew on it a bit myself as I was curious about the power of the alledged "burst of melon flavor".

I was shocked to discover that there is absolutely no melon flavor whatsoever involved in the taste of this product! I chewed on your product for several minutes, anxiously awaiting the promised "burst of melon flavor." Even a hint of melon flavor would have appeased me. I tasted nothing but rubber! Later, when my boyfriend kissed me he said my tongue tasted like rubber! Do you understand me?!? Not melon! Rubber!

Shame on you for deceiving the buyers of this product! You thought you could get away with it because dogs can't read or talk! You figured that any person crazy enough to actually taste your product for themselves would be too embarrassed to admit it! Well you were wrong-oh! You hear that!?! WRONG-OH!

I can just imagine your snvieling, whining, little nerd-like response, in a voice like that of the Professor on The Simpsons, "Bee-zoinky! This is because dogs have a different way of discerning flavors as their taste buds are more sensitive than those of humans...blah-zee, blee-zel-dee, blah."

What EVER! You lied about the burst of melon flavor and I shall never again buy any of your products.