Do not read this if you are pregnant or have children

[create_destiny]

All this Harry Potter shit is driving me batty. Last night because I couldn't take it anymore, I laid in bed and wondered what I would do if I had the power to completely annihilate human existence.

I don't understand happy pregnant people. I'd love to delve into this topic but I have an obsessive fear that on judgment day God is going to be like, "What's up with the hate-on for happy pregnant people?" Of course there's a million things I could come back at him with: Lyme disease, concentration camps, the stench of decomposing bodies (to name a few) but it doesn't matter. You can't argue with God. I tried it once. For five years. It's like trying to reason with a brick wall of love.

I watched Sideways a few days ago and realized that I am that chicken-shit, black hole of negativity writer guy. I have this realization every few years or so and vow to start taking crazy risks, shake things up a bit. The last time I did this I woke up in my car after a night of heavy drinking, parked in the middle of an empty field with a stray dog that I'd never seen before in my back seat. He had really muddy paws and my shoes were gone.*

I want courage. Or at least some brave new pills, preferably orange-flavored chewables.


*That didn't really happen to me. It happened to a co-worker of mine and I happen to think it's hilarious.

Comments

[nameleswanderer.livejournal.com]

Wait a minute. You had cat drugs and woke up with a stray dog? I know who you are. You're the infamous DDD, Doggie Drug Dealer! Someone should report you. You make the alleys unsafe for trash can rooting. You make too dangerous to go to the local fire hydrant. You are always out there peddaling your evil doggie chews, cat tranquilizers and catnip. I have seen you hanging around the pound trying to recruit new pushers. I have also heard that you hang around pet stores pushing your horrible substances onto our younger generation. The cops should be hot on your tail. They will collar you soon.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

I've got the dog mafia on my side, so you better zip it if you know what's good for you.