create_destiny (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
create_destiny) wrote2007-11-22 10:59 am
create_destiny) wrote2007-11-22 10:59 am
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Unask the Question
A friend of mine in Buffalo wrote to me recently, lamenting Cobain's demise. I lamented back. Told him I haven't listened to any Nirvana since 1994. Then a few hours later I'm channel surfing and I stop on Nirvana's "Unplugged in New York." I keep it there. The Boyfriend hears this and asks me from the next room, "Do you still like Nirvana?" And......I can't answer that question with a simple "yes" or "no." I launch into a diatribe about Kurt, the spirit of this age, meat-eating orchids, absurdity and surrealism in art and half way into this I'm shaking and crying. That's not a question that can be answered with a simple yes or no.
Tori Amos singing Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
This haunts me.
Tori Amos singing Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
This haunts me.
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My family is really strict and religious, so I had to pass off bands as being Christian in order to listen to them. Luckily, my parents were kinda stupid, and didn't insist on reading the lyrics to songs, so as long as I could pass the band as "Christian", I could take them home.
Here was my elaborate scheme for getting secular CDs into my house: Go to record store with Mum. Spend a great deal of time in the Christian music section. So long, that she stops paying attention to what I'm doing and goes over and looks at jazz. Now is my time. I randomly pick up N (where N is a rational, whole integer) CDs, and then quickly walk through the Rock aisle on the way to the cash register. As I go through the alphebetically listed secular CDs, I would replace each Christian CD I'd randomly picked up with the one I really intended to buy. I'm sure this wreaked havoc on the record store, but PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT I WAS FULFILLING A SPIRITUAL NEED. The need for f*cking rock and roll. Out-of-stocks and disorganized CDs were my enemy. It's how I ended up with some REALLY SHITTY CDs, because I'd get to S for Stone Temple Pilots, and they'd be out of "Tiny Music for the Vatican Gift Shop", and I'd have to make my way to the cash register with a "Praizes 4 Him, Hip Hop Reinterpretations" of Hymns CD.
OH THE ANGUISH.
Then, I'd have to DEFEND my "Christian" CD purchases as "Christian enough". I thank Jesus every day for allowing Really Awesome Employees (tm) to be manning the cash register whenever I'd have to stand there with Mum and be like "No, Mum, Oasis is Christian. They're called Oasis, because Jesus Christ is an oasis of hope" and "Mum, I swear, 311 is Christian. It's from John 3:11, which says that 'Verily, verily, I say unto thee, We speak that we do know, and testify that we have seen; and ye receive not our witness'"
Stone Temple Pilots got their name from some passage in the Old Testament about the Temple of Israel. Live got their name because we are dead to ourselves and alive in Jesus Christ. I have no idea how I passed off the bands Pulp, Silverchair, Cake...
Bands I could not pass off as "Christian": Smashing Pumpkins. Garbage. and Nirvana.
I had to rely on my cooler, "less Christian" friends that could listen to secular music. I had to convince them to come over to my house where I had a CD Player/Casette Recorder setup, and that they needed to bring their CD, and then I would copy the CD. Then on the outside, I would write something like "Michael W. Smith 'Go West Young Man'"
DO YOU SEE THE EFFORT???
The point of all this... I had a dream of being able to be myself. Of being able to express myself. Of not having to hide who I was, or my dreams and my goals. Music was my outlet and my hope. It inspired me to do something with my life where I wouldn't have to hide myself forever.
When I heard about Kurt Cobain, I was so angry. I felt like I'd been left alone, and he wasn't going to give me any more music to live for. I couldn't understand, and I was just incredibly sad that he was gone. I suppose it's selfish that my perception of him as an artist revolved around the way he inspired me, but that's all I could comprehend at the time - the thing that I looked forward to most - new music - there'd never be any more from him. I don't think I got over it.
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My Dad's side of the family is comprised of Dutch and German immigrants who settled in Russia in the 1700's, and then immigrated to Canada in the 1920(?)'s. My grandfather that immigrated from Russia was Orthodox, but there weren't any Russian Orthodox churches where he settled in Canada - just Mennonite ones. So he became Mennonite, and met my Grandmother, who was also Mennonite. The story fluctuates between whether or not they fled Russia because they owned land or because of religious persecution...
Mum's side... Her Dad was Irish, and Catholic. Her Mum was English, and Church of England. Her parents both immigrated to Canada as well, and I think Mum's Dad converted to Anglicanism whenever he married Grandmum. Again, they were pretty religious.
So Mum and Dad meet... They went to an Anglican church for quite some time, but ended up leaving the church when I was young... and then we went to a Dutch Reformed church for a while. And then when we moved here, we started going to a Baptist Church - which was the beginning of my own religious dissent (but my parents totally got on board with Southern Baptist theology). So I went back to the Church of England, I briefly flirted with Catholicism, and then eventually settled on Orthodoxy... there's not a Russian Orthodox church nearby, so I'm Antiochian Orthodox...
But following Dad's death, I've kinda been out of sorts with the Church. I have no idea what I believe right now, which I think is a mixture of grief and rebellion at my conservative/ultrareligious upbringing.
Uhhh... Did that answer your question?
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I have my own problems with Christian theology but there are many beautiful things there too that I deeply believe in. I think Orthodox Christianity is the most beautiful expression of Christianity.