I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It...

[create_destiny]

I've been sabotoged. Somebody put a nail in my car tire and caused a flat. The boyfriend keeps insisting that I'm being paranoid and probably just ran over a nail in the park or something. Must be nice to be him - to always write these things off as coincidences, to live in oblivion to the maddening myriad of conspiracies that rule our lives.

Here's why I'm not being paranoid:

1. It happened on Friday the 13th (of January). Yeah, tell me about. I just happened to run over a nail on Friday the 13th and got a flat tire?!? I don't think so. Everyone knows Friday the 13th is a day of sabotoge and revenge, not "shitty luck" but premeditated acts of fuck-you-very-muchness perpetrated mostly against fairly innocent white women who love too much.

2. The day of the flat, I asked my boss if he had slashed my tires in a fit of rage against me for often being smarter than him and for frequently telling him how gay he looks in anything yellow. He just looked at me and cackled, gayily I might add, while another co-worker (the one who has been putting a card-board cut-out of a puppy in the street in front of his house so he can watch people swerve and almost crash) said, and I quote: I'm the one who slashed your tires. And then blithely continued discussing the merits of whatever crotch-rock he listens to with other co-workers while defiantly ignoring my incredulous stare.

3. When I told my co-worker and friend, Azucena, about the flat tire sabotoge, she smiled and shook her head and said, "Ay, Doro, you are more cuckoo-cuckoo than me. What you gonna do when you get new job and don't have no cuckoo-cuckoos like me to talk to, huh?" Clearly she's in on it too and is merely repeating a scripted response written for her by my gay-in-yellow boss and the card-board puppy cut-out guy.

4. I called my most over-the-top paranoid friend, Dave. I can always count on Dave to find something shifty in every situation. Every click on the phone is evidence that the FBI is listening in, having been tipped off by key words in our conversation such as "This weed is the bomb" or "I'm gonna buy a bunch of fertilizer for my garden and then blow some shit up." And you know what Dave says to me? "You probably just ran over a nail. It happens all the time."

Comments

[lcurtis.livejournal.com]

LOL

[whosplittheatom.livejournal.com]

It was probably the Trilateral Commission, aka the World Shadow Government. Have you pissed off anyone with the last name Rockefeller recently?

[metalgypsy.livejournal.com]

i think it was a nail, but you know....guess you never really know. i always take thoose things personally too!

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

I used to blame everything on God, but now I just blame people so I guess I've progressed. Some day I'll start blaming animals. After that I'll blame plants...then molecules.

[ygolonac.livejournal.com]

Well, I wasn't going to mention this, but I did see Eyeball sniffing under that tire recently and she had a rather shifty look in her one good eye.

Probably payback for all those time you've sprayed her with the squirt bottle.

[nameleswanderer.livejournal.com]

After molecules, I went back to blaming god.

You're all wrong

[sardonic-artery.livejournal.com]

I blame the growth in the testicles. Growths in testicles hate tires.

Re: You're all wrong

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Ah ha ha !

[angry-man.livejournal.com]

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean we're not out to get you.

[american-god.livejournal.com]

This girl I know was just talking about the cardboard dog cutout. I thought she was lying or seeing things. I must apologize immediately.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

What did she say?

[american-god.livejournal.com]

She said she saw this cardboard cut out of a dog in the street and a car swerve to miss it.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Yeah. The guy(s) who are doing it live on W. Sac right off the Esplanade. They're a bunch of jackasses.

[american-god.livejournal.com]

That's right where I live. And I didn't believe my friend. Now I must eat crow. Damn it.

[thejuicyone.livejournal.com]

stating the obvious, but... you work with wierd people!!!

[dietcokehed.livejournal.com]

I believe I was sabotaged too at work, but not by co-workers. I ran to lunch with Jannine one day in Socko (my CRX for those who never met Socko :) And, well, the weight limit is 400lbs...I'm usually pushing 200 and Jannine...is very large, upper 200's? So yeah, socko had some weight issues. About a half an hour after we came back, our maintenance guy comes in and says I have a flat. Huh?! We were JUST in it! So I donut it and take him to Les Schwab. I think they said they found a nail. The next day I parked behind our office, which is kind of in an alley. There were some really crappy guys living in a house back there, plus random people cruise through there to get the Big Al's all the time. I left him there overnight for some reason and when I came back, my vampire fish emblem was ripped off and snapped in half thrown on the ground (trying to steal it, punk ass? Ha! It broke on you, fucker...meet karma, that's what you get) and a different tier was flat. AAA sent some hella old dude out, who seemed to struggle changing the tire, which made me feel bad because I CAN do it, I just didn't wanna. I took it to Les adn they said there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. No nails, no holes, they stuck it under water and no bubbles came up...someone let the friggin' air out of my tire!?!!! Wh-why?! Why would someone do this? My guess is that the plan was to make the car stranded so they could break in and or steal it over the weekend. Theives like my poor car. He's been violated several times now :(

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Damn, that sucks! Why do people have to suck so much?

[ygolonac.livejournal.com]

Probably nobody trying to steal the vampire fish emblem, they were just destroying it because they think it's evil or something. Is this one of those variants of the Christian Fish stickers?

Same asshole probably let the air out of your tires because you are a heathen vampire worshipper.