create_destiny (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
create_destiny) wrote2007-03-31 05:10 pm
create_destiny) wrote2007-03-31 05:10 pm
Entry tags:
Kill 'Em All and Let Buddha Sort 'Em Out
I saw a bumper sticker for sale at the natural foods store that simply said, "Forgive." I truly believe this is the answer. I was about to buy it until I realized that if I put this on my car I won't be able to flip off all the bitches and jackasses who piss me off on the road. Not in good conscience, anyway.
My favorite revenge fantasy is Under Cover Litter Cop. I get paid to hang out in places like Yosemite National Park, pretending to be an ordinary tourist out for a stroll with my camera. When in reality I'm gathering indisputable, photographic evidence of your lazy ass dropping candy bar wrappers and empty water bottles right on the trail. When I catch you in the act, I whip out my gun and scream, "Get down on the ground Mother Fucker, right Fucking now!" I pistol whip anyone who gives me lip. Children shriek in terror as I arrest their parents. But they learn. I don't care if you're a stressed-out single Mother of sextuplets, you will not stash a dirty diaper in our National Parks. (All litter is gathered by my partner, David Beckham, and sent to a crime lab for analysis. We occasionally have hot sex under waterfalls, but that's beside the point.)
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Every three years or so in the spring, I apparently go into drag queen mode and buy some ultra-girly, pink sandals. I wanted something hot-pink with silver sparkles and pink, feathery fluff. I went to every major department store in this sorry-ass college town and couldn't find a damn thing this gay. I had to settle for something a bit less extravagant. I got a pedicure and had my toe nails painted hot-pink to match the sandals. When I came home, I told the boyfriend to worship my tootsies. He laughed in my face and ordered me to go buy him some ice-cream. I told him I was just at the grocery store and if he wants me to be his bitch I'm gonna need a hot-pink cell phone and a steady flow of cash. That quieted him down for a bit.
My favorite revenge fantasy is Under Cover Litter Cop. I get paid to hang out in places like Yosemite National Park, pretending to be an ordinary tourist out for a stroll with my camera. When in reality I'm gathering indisputable, photographic evidence of your lazy ass dropping candy bar wrappers and empty water bottles right on the trail. When I catch you in the act, I whip out my gun and scream, "Get down on the ground Mother Fucker, right Fucking now!" I pistol whip anyone who gives me lip. Children shriek in terror as I arrest their parents. But they learn. I don't care if you're a stressed-out single Mother of sextuplets, you will not stash a dirty diaper in our National Parks. (All litter is gathered by my partner, David Beckham, and sent to a crime lab for analysis. We occasionally have hot sex under waterfalls, but that's beside the point.)
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Every three years or so in the spring, I apparently go into drag queen mode and buy some ultra-girly, pink sandals. I wanted something hot-pink with silver sparkles and pink, feathery fluff. I went to every major department store in this sorry-ass college town and couldn't find a damn thing this gay. I had to settle for something a bit less extravagant. I got a pedicure and had my toe nails painted hot-pink to match the sandals. When I came home, I told the boyfriend to worship my tootsies. He laughed in my face and ordered me to go buy him some ice-cream. I told him I was just at the grocery store and if he wants me to be his bitch I'm gonna need a hot-pink cell phone and a steady flow of cash. That quieted him down for a bit.
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I got a pedicure too, I chose purple.
I like to police the fuckers who don't pick up their dog's poo. Until one morning I was caught empty handed and had to leave a pile behind. I planned to come back later and pick it up, only, when I later arrived, the poo was gone! Mysterious.
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I'd need a sexy sidekick to follow along making witty comments and cleaning my pistol when it needed it.
But not David Beckham.
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And of course the steady flow of cash...that's like, a requirement when a girl is in a relationship....isn't it?? :P
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"This side up"
"Contents may settle during shipping"
"Objects may appear larger in mirror"
"Parking in rear"
?
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Your reasoning is why I don't have anything about my belief in God on my car. I'm just not that good of a driver. Eventually I'll anger someone inadvertantly and it'll be downhill from there in my mind.
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Why, I oughtta...
If I were braver and richer, I'd someday like to smash into a car that claims to have angels flying alongside it for protection, just to see what happens. Hmmm, that makes me sound angrier then I actually am.
I've stopped bands of surly youth who throw wrappers in my yard while walking home from school. I'm such a risk-taker, aren't I, challenging those 11-yr-old punks?
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transgressions