Kill 'Em All and Let Buddha Sort 'Em Out

[create_destiny]

I saw a bumper sticker for sale at the natural foods store that simply said, "Forgive." I truly believe this is the answer. I was about to buy it until I realized that if I put this on my car I won't be able to flip off all the bitches and jackasses who piss me off on the road. Not in good conscience, anyway.

My favorite revenge fantasy is Under Cover Litter Cop. I get paid to hang out in places like Yosemite National Park, pretending to be an ordinary tourist out for a stroll with my camera. When in reality I'm gathering indisputable, photographic evidence of your lazy ass dropping candy bar wrappers and empty water bottles right on the trail. When I catch you in the act, I whip out my gun and scream, "Get down on the ground Mother Fucker, right Fucking now!" I pistol whip anyone who gives me lip. Children shriek in terror as I arrest their parents. But they learn. I don't care if you're a stressed-out single Mother of sextuplets, you will not stash a dirty diaper in our National Parks. (All litter is gathered by my partner, David Beckham, and sent to a crime lab for analysis. We occasionally have hot sex under waterfalls, but that's beside the point.)

******************************

Every three years or so in the spring, I apparently go into drag queen mode and buy some ultra-girly, pink sandals. I wanted something hot-pink with silver sparkles and pink, feathery fluff. I went to every major department store in this sorry-ass college town and couldn't find a damn thing this gay. I had to settle for something a bit less extravagant. I got a pedicure and had my toe nails painted hot-pink to match the sandals. When I came home, I told the boyfriend to worship my tootsies. He laughed in my face and ordered me to go buy him some ice-cream. I told him I was just at the grocery store and if he wants me to be his bitch I'm gonna need a hot-pink cell phone and a steady flow of cash. That quieted him down for a bit.

Comments

[honeywoney.livejournal.com]

You are SO in charge.

I got a pedicure too, I chose purple.

I like to police the fuckers who don't pick up their dog's poo. Until one morning I was caught empty handed and had to leave a pile behind. I planned to come back later and pick it up, only, when I later arrived, the poo was gone! Mysterious.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Hmmmmm, perhaps there is a St. Francis type person wandering through parks picking up other dog's poop? Or is the sad truth that another dog ate it?

[honeywoney.livejournal.com]

Perhaps the Pied Piper of Poop?

[angry-man.livejournal.com]

Law and Order: Litter Intent

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Love it!

[ygolonac.livejournal.com]

I'd be more of a Dirty Harry litter cop.

I'd need a sexy sidekick to follow along making witty comments and cleaning my pistol when it needed it.

But not David Beckham.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

I'll clean your pistol, Mister.

[dietcokehed.livejournal.com]

Um, I have to agree with that hot pink cell phone...or a cell phone in any color ;)

And of course the steady flow of cash...that's like, a requirement when a girl is in a relationship....isn't it?? :P

[metalgypsy.livejournal.com]

who is David Beckham?!

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

[honeywoney.livejournal.com]

fuck.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

word.

[ygolonac.livejournal.com]

Are those directions on his ass? What do they say?

"This side up"

"Contents may settle during shipping"

"Objects may appear larger in mirror"

"Parking in rear"

?

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Um, that's my name tattooed above his ass, okay?

[sardonic-artery.livejournal.com]

I figured eating of the trash might be in order, but that's just wrong.

Your reasoning is why I don't have anything about my belief in God on my car. I'm just not that good of a driver. Eventually I'll anger someone inadvertantly and it'll be downhill from there in my mind.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Icon!

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Bless her heart! And her uterus, too!

[cherryfly.livejournal.com]

That first paragraph made me laugh. :)

Why, I oughtta...

[nodressrehersal.livejournal.com]

I think you were wise to forego the bumper sticker. It's best to leave your flipping options wide open.

If I were braver and richer, I'd someday like to smash into a car that claims to have angels flying alongside it for protection, just to see what happens. Hmmm, that makes me sound angrier then I actually am.

I've stopped bands of surly youth who throw wrappers in my yard while walking home from school. I'm such a risk-taker, aren't I, challenging those 11-yr-old punks?

[ridiculicious.livejournal.com]

Forgive. Hah. Self-righteous hippies.

transgressions

[lcurtis.livejournal.com]

I would like to hide at night and catch those punks who paint crap on public structures; graffiti artists, gang taggers and the like. When caught I would smash their faces into the cement or brick walls and with the blood from their broken and mangled faces I would write: STOP THIS, OR DIE YOU LITTLE FUCKS. And I wouldn't care that they are just misguided youths of eleven or twelve years old. And after I get rid of graffiti I would help you bust litter bugs in National Parks.