High-Fiber Diet of Fuck and Run-On Sentences

[create_destiny]

So I pull into the parking lot at work this morning looking fabulous because I just got a haircut and highlights and I park my car and I'm walking through the parking lot holding my head a little higher than I normally do and I'm almost at the entrance (as are a couple of snobby co-workers who can NEVER condescend to look at me, let alone speak to me because what they do is SO much more important than what I do or some shit like that) when I trip on my shoe and lurch into one of those awkward gravity slam-dances where you are running and falling at the same time and I finally catch myself after like FIVE HOURS but not before spilling the entire contents of my purse including a bunch of loose tampons and a box of over-the-counter gas-relief medicine that has a big-ass label that screams "I'M A LOSER BECAUSE I FART A LOT." And these classy jackasses I work with walk right over my rolling tampons and don't say a damn word to me.

Comments

[superhappytime.livejournal.com]

you made me laugh so much I almost cried. that first paragraph is great.

this reminds me of the time I went to get cream for a rash and had the option of getting some regular old cream, or one that said FOR EXTREME ANAL ITCHING on the box. I mean, you have to have No Pride to buy that, right?

[grrlpup]

I always spill tampons when I fall or drop my purse or pull too much stuff out of my pockets by mistake. It's like a dream, but real.

[bluemamie.livejournal.com]

FUUUUCK everybody that you work with.

[stephanietberry.livejournal.com]

I think it's time to make some voo doo dolls of those bitches. Keep them in your office drawer with little chains around their necks. DEFINITELY do not put them in your purse.

[bug-311.livejournal.com]

I fucking love your tampons, your fart medicine and your dirty underwear.

And I mean that in an entirely non-stalker kind of way. :)

[1gr8poetess.livejournal.com]

Love the title! Turn it into a poem, please. I want to read that poem.

Push that bitch off the edge of a cliff. Then smile.

[nodressrehersal.livejournal.com]

and lurch into one of those awkward gravity slam-dances where you are running and falling at the same time and I finally catch myself after like FIVE HOURS

Not that I want you to relive the moment or anything by reprinting it here, but OHMYGAWD that's it exactly! This should be in a reference book somewhere, when someone's looking for the proper way to describe this event. Even the amount of mental time it takes to execute it is perfect.

I fully understand your loneliness at work. When I was an accountant, I was so not an accountant and nobody ever understood what was funny or good music. In the end, I had to wear headphones just to stay sane.

I know the economy is bleak and all, but you need to get outta there, fer realz. Maybe you could invent an easy-to-use tampon-hiding purse accessory. Sounds like there's a market.

[sardonic-artery.livejournal.com]

Lame lame lame. Maybe you should try knocking over your coworkers' purses.

Oh, aren't you supposed to post a pic of your new haircut and color?

[lcurtis.livejournal.com]

Forgive me!