High-Fiber Diet of Fuck and Run-On Sentences

[create_destiny]

So I pull into the parking lot at work this morning looking fabulous because I just got a haircut and highlights and I park my car and I'm walking through the parking lot holding my head a little higher than I normally do and I'm almost at the entrance (as are a couple of snobby co-workers who can NEVER condescend to look at me, let alone speak to me because what they do is SO much more important than what I do or some shit like that) when I trip on my shoe and lurch into one of those awkward gravity slam-dances where you are running and falling at the same time and I finally catch myself after like FIVE HOURS but not before spilling the entire contents of my purse including a bunch of loose tampons and a box of over-the-counter gas-relief medicine that has a big-ass label that screams "I'M A LOSER BECAUSE I FART A LOT." And these classy jackasses I work with walk right over my rolling tampons and don't say a damn word to me.

Comments

[superhappytime.livejournal.com]

you made me laugh so much I almost cried. that first paragraph is great.

this reminds me of the time I went to get cream for a rash and had the option of getting some regular old cream, or one that said FOR EXTREME ANAL ITCHING on the box. I mean, you have to have No Pride to buy that, right?

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you find humor in my DAY FROM HELL, because I do too, but there's no one at my work I could share this story with and that's a pretty lonely feeling.

Extreme anal itching. That's funny. Why can't guys carry purses and trip and almost fall and have a tube of THAT come flying out for all to see?

[superhappytime.livejournal.com]

because if they did, they'd just not and laugh at their buddies and high five.

[grrlpup]

I always spill tampons when I fall or drop my purse or pull too much stuff out of my pockets by mistake. It's like a dream, but real.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

I guess this club has many members?

I actually had a pair of underwear fall out of my purse once, onto a counter right in front of a cashier. I was pulling out my wallet when the underwear came with it.

[gracegiver]

i had a pair of soiled (with blood stains) underwear fall out of my suitcase on the carousal at the airport. All eyes were on WHO the hell was going to gab that bag with all of its goods scattered about.



you're a hilarious writer.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

OMG!!!!!!!!!! You poor thing.

I also had an underwear exposure experience at an airport:

In 2000 I went monastery-hopping in Russia with my godmother who is a Russian Orthodox nun. The monasteries we visited were very rustic and we had to wash our clothes by hand. Well, I was too embarrassed to hang my underwear out to dry, and I had packed a BUNCH of underwear which made it possible for me to just keep stashing dirty underwear in my suitcase and I figured I would just not bother with it until I got back to the states.

Well, when we were going through customs at the airport in Moscow (trying to get on our flight back to the US) my suitcase filled with the dirty underwear was randomly selected to be searched. I very seriously starting DYING DYING DYING I tell you, and the male customs workers had mercy on me when they realized what they'd gotten into and they quickly let me pass through.

I told my boyfriend this story when we first started dating. I was doing a load of laundry when he popped by (back when I'd get spontaneous flowers and mochas) and I told him not to look at my laundry because I didn't want him to see my holy underwear (holy as in "holes"). And he said, "Why not? Everyone in Russia has!"

[stephanietberry.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the double laughs! So now I know what to do if I ever need to smuggle something!

[bluemamie.livejournal.com]

FUUUUCK everybody that you work with.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

No shit. They are ALL like that and it's really, really lonely there. I just wish I had ONE person I could secretly snicker with in that building, but so far I haven't found her.

[stephanietberry.livejournal.com]

I think it's time to make some voo doo dolls of those bitches. Keep them in your office drawer with little chains around their necks. DEFINITELY do not put them in your purse.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Voo-doo dolls made from tampons!

[bug-311.livejournal.com]

I fucking love your tampons, your fart medicine and your dirty underwear.

And I mean that in an entirely non-stalker kind of way. :)

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Best Complement Ever!

[1gr8poetess.livejournal.com]

Love the title! Turn it into a poem, please. I want to read that poem.

Push that bitch off the edge of a cliff. Then smile.

[nodressrehersal.livejournal.com]

and lurch into one of those awkward gravity slam-dances where you are running and falling at the same time and I finally catch myself after like FIVE HOURS

Not that I want you to relive the moment or anything by reprinting it here, but OHMYGAWD that's it exactly! This should be in a reference book somewhere, when someone's looking for the proper way to describe this event. Even the amount of mental time it takes to execute it is perfect.

I fully understand your loneliness at work. When I was an accountant, I was so not an accountant and nobody ever understood what was funny or good music. In the end, I had to wear headphones just to stay sane.

I know the economy is bleak and all, but you need to get outta there, fer realz. Maybe you could invent an easy-to-use tampon-hiding purse accessory. Sounds like there's a market.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

All it takes to make me happy is one fun co-worker. Just one is all I ask for. I worked with a bunch of fun people before my promotion took me to a different building where all the big wigs work.

[sardonic-artery.livejournal.com]

Lame lame lame. Maybe you should try knocking over your coworkers' purses.

Oh, aren't you supposed to post a pic of your new haircut and color?

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Clearly I need prayer.

I also feel the need to say, "One gram of humility can move mountains." My co-worker did not feel the need to apologize to me for whipping me up into a stress frenzy, and even after the damage was done, a simple, "I'm sorry about that" would have completely cleared up my stress and alleviated me of a lot of frustration. Nothing, NOTHING is more powerful than these two words: Forgive me.

[lcurtis.livejournal.com]

Forgive me!