Do not read this if you are pregnant or have children

All this Harry Potter shit is driving me batty. Last night because I couldn't take it anymore, I laid in bed and wondered what I would do if I had the power to completely annihilate human existence.

I don't understand happy pregnant people. I'd love to delve into this topic but I have an obsessive fear that on judgment day God is going to be like, "What's up with the hate-on for happy pregnant people?" Of course there's a million things I could come back at him with: Lyme disease, concentration camps, the stench of decomposing bodies (to name a few) but it doesn't matter. You can't argue with God. I tried it once. For five years. It's like trying to reason with a brick wall of love.

I watched Sideways a few days ago and realized that I am that chicken-shit, black hole of negativity writer guy. I have this realization every few years or so and vow to start taking crazy risks, shake things up a bit. The last time I did this I woke up in my car after a night of heavy drinking, parked in the middle of an empty field with a stray dog that I'd never seen before in my back seat. He had really muddy paws and my shoes were gone.*

I want courage. Or at least some brave new pills, preferably orange-flavored chewables.


*That didn't really happen to me. It happened to a co-worker of mine and I happen to think it's hilarious.