Living in the empty cup of now.
Sep. 14th, 2005 07:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I've scarecly lived in the now, in the present moment. Maybe I did when I was a kid, but certainly not since that awful train wreck of puberty de-railed my childhood innocence. Since then my thoughts are continually thrashing about in an anxiety-ridden mosh pit. If I'm not bitterly regreting the past, I'm agonizing about the future.
I take that back.
I did live in the present once, if only for a few minutes, eight years ago.
I was riding a bus home from work. All the noise in my head stopped. It was quiet. In that moment I said yes to real Life and anything it wanted to lay on me: nuclear holocaust, cancer, blindness, the loss of several limbs, I said yes to it all in that grace-filled moment. I wasn't the least bit afraid.
I got off that bus on tippy-toes of utter trust and tried my damnest to nurse that uncreated energy, make it last forever, don't spill the grace.
But I spilled it. And what I didn't spill slowly drained out through my leaky, piss-ass wine-skins. So many times life filled me up and I spilled it and spilled it and spilled it, until I finally lost my sippy cup.
I was forgiven once. Tears of gratitude streamed down my face and I felt like a small child.
I take that back.
I did live in the present once, if only for a few minutes, eight years ago.
I was riding a bus home from work. All the noise in my head stopped. It was quiet. In that moment I said yes to real Life and anything it wanted to lay on me: nuclear holocaust, cancer, blindness, the loss of several limbs, I said yes to it all in that grace-filled moment. I wasn't the least bit afraid.
I got off that bus on tippy-toes of utter trust and tried my damnest to nurse that uncreated energy, make it last forever, don't spill the grace.
But I spilled it. And what I didn't spill slowly drained out through my leaky, piss-ass wine-skins. So many times life filled me up and I spilled it and spilled it and spilled it, until I finally lost my sippy cup.
I was forgiven once. Tears of gratitude streamed down my face and I felt like a small child.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-15 02:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-15 03:01 am (UTC)You haven't lost your sippy cup! I just find taking each day at a time, writing down what I'm grateful for, can help.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-15 03:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-15 03:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-15 05:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-15 05:21 am (UTC)That is your sippy cup.
(at least you graduated to sippy cup from baba!)
no subject
Date: 2005-09-15 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-16 02:33 am (UTC)Try a Camelback and that way you can keep going. Be sure to put espresso in it.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-16 12:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-18 11:04 am (UTC)Forgiveness is like inhaling and exhaling!
Date: 2005-09-19 02:43 pm (UTC)We are forgiven every moment of every day when we sincerely ask for forgiveness. We need to remember that no one is perfect. Not even God. We are all in need of forgiveness for something, so, all we can do is try to keep love in our hearts. I know it isn't easy but life isn't easy or fair. It just is. You are such a talented, beautiful woman with such a wonderful sense of humor. I love you so very much and am so thankful to have you in my life. Be good to yourself and accept forgiveness. Kisses and hugs forever!
Mom
Re: Forgiveness is like inhaling and exhaling!
Date: 2005-09-19 08:27 pm (UTC)