Fiction: "I Probly Mite be Dead"

[create_destiny]

This is a fictional letter loosely based on a letter I wrote to my parents when I was eight years old. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.


Deer Mom and Dad,

I probly mite be dead when you find this letter and you’ll NEVER, EVER see me agin.

I’m RUNNING AWAY because I know yo dot love me. I know you love Phillip more than me just because he’s little and never does anything wrong and if he does it’s OK because he’s only two years old and he can poop in the stupid retardo potty pot now. HA HA!!! That’s stupid retardo bull crap!

I’m also running away because I told you a JILLION gaZILLION times that I’m NOT the one who taught Phillip how to melt Star Wars action figures with a can of Aqua Net and a lighter. I didn’t!!! I was just sitting there innocently watching TV when I saw Phillip with a lighter and then dad’s recliner was on fire and stuff.

I thought you’d be happy that I dumped the fish tank on Phillip TO SAVE HIS LIFE since his hair was on fire too, but NOOOOO!!!!!!!! Alls you care about is how Phillip got burned and how the whole house could have burned down and how everything smells like burnt hair and dead fish and blah, blah, blah, blah and stuff. You don’t even care about ME!!!

I’m sick of always getting blamed for stuff when it’s Phillip’s fault. You guys are always like, "Oh he’s just a little BAY-BEEE! He’s soooo innocent and poo-poo special!!!. Well he’s NOT innocent! He does a lot of wrong and evil stuff that you guys don’t even care about. Like the time he found grandpa’s AK-47 and was showing off with it in the basement when Jimmy and Carl were spending the night. And I got in trouble for it!!! It’s not fair!

I know you guys would be a lot happier if I just ran away to the woods and got shot by a hunter or attacked by wolfs so that’s what I’m gonna do. I probly mite get so hungry I’ll have to cut off my legs and eat them but that’s ok as long as you and Phillip can be happy!!! I’ll just use my arms to dig myself a grave. When I’m dead you guys can have some kind of poo-poo potty pot picnic party to celebrate. I just hope you guys realize the TRUTH about Phillip someday!!!!!!

Good-bye forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your son,
Donny (the FALSELY blamed one)

P.S. Please tell grandma that I love her and that I was serious when I said I’m not the one who putted that dead bird on her pillow.

Comments

[recycling.livejournal.com]

Now I don't care what anybody else says after I comment here, this took one hell of a creative streak to pull off.

I would like to see more things like this on my friends list.

[dietcokehed.livejournal.com]

Er, how loosley based is this?

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Very loosely. The actually letter was:

"Deer Mom and Dad, Yo dot love me. I am runing away. I dot like your food."

I wrapped up some crackers in a red bandana and ran away to the neighbor's backyard, ate the crackers, got thirsty and decided to go back home.

When I got back home nobody had even realized that I had run away.

[dietcokehed.livejournal.com]

Hee! That reminds me of the movie My Girl, when she takes off for the whole day, finally gives up and goes home, slams the door twice to announce her arrival, and no one notices.

[ygolonac.livejournal.com]

You set your little sister on fire!?

I was reminded a little of the scene in A Christmas Story where the kid fantasizes about how sorry everybody will be after he shoots his eye out.

Good job.

I'll assume it's pretty accurate as I have no experience in such things. I was such a good little kid. :)

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

No, I didn't set my little sister on fire! I tortured her in numerous other ways, but fire was not one of them.

I love A Christmas Story.

[dietcokehed.livejournal.com]

Being an only child I missed out on the torturing. I took it out on my pets instead. Do you know how many times my poor dog was tied up because he was the bad guy and I was Wonder Woman?

And I've never been able to sit through A Christmas Story, I don't know why. And I HATE it when TNT plays it for 24 hours at Christmas time. There are so many better Christmas movies they could being playing in that time...

[ygolonac.livejournal.com]

There are so many better Christmas movies they could being playing in that time...

Nuh uh.

I do agree that 24 hours of the same movie is stupid. There are 24 hours of good Christmas movies they could play without playing that one over and over again. I like the movie, but still. Those few oddballs out there that want to watch it that much can buy the dvd and go wild.

[dietcokehed.livejournal.com]

Nuh uh.<<

Uh huh.

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

Hilarious!!! How is Phillip these days? Still pooping in the retardo potty pot?

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Donny and Phillip became best buds once Donny realized the TRUTH about Phillip----the truth being that Phillip is the awesomest, bestest bud a bro could ever have.

[marstokyo.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it all worked out. :-)