Estrogen-Driven Camping Coming Up....

[create_destiny]

I'm soooooooooooooo excited because two of my bestest girlfriends and I are going to go camping for a few days in a mountain range that shall remain nameless so all you serial killers out there can just put away the duct-tape because you'll never find us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Black bears, though, are another story. They might find us. Especially if one of us is on our period because I heard that can attract bears.

As many of you know, I'm just not comfortable unless I'm obsessively freaked out and worried about something, so I'm really freaked out about bears right now. Bears and forest fires. Oh, and Republicans. But not serial killers, really. At least not today.

It doesn't help that I went to a camping supply store yesterday to buy a sleeping pad and when I asked the sales clerk if they had any bear repellent she said no but then proceeded to regale me with terrifying tales of bear attacks including one in which someone's car was completely ripped apart by a bear, simply for a single stick of Juicy-Fruit gum.

So I asked some co-workers what I should do and one of them said to fill four plastic cups with a small amount of kerosene and place the cups around the periphery of the campsite. This (allegedly) will cover up any smells that will attract bears. The problem is four-fold, really: 1) both of my friends are smokers and should not be near anything highly flammable; 2) there's going to be large amounts of alcohol involved; 3) one of my friends is extremely clutsy and accident-prone even when she's sober; and 4) the person who suggested the kerosene cups is a Republican who may or may not be trying to destroy some of his political opponents and a portion of America's remaining forests with one masterful blow!

So, I'm not sure what to do. I'm pretty sure that with my luck, if I get attacked by a bear, I won't actually die but will be forced to live out my life horribly maimed and disfigured. Also, I wouldn't put it past God to deal me a hand that involves me (or one of my friends) accidentally starting a forest fire, the guilt of which would surely drive me to a nunnery!

I suppose none of this matters, as I am convinced that at some point in my life I will at least be attacked by wolves and there's not a damn thing I can do about it, so I might as well rub juicy fruit all over my body and run naked through the forest embracing my blasted destiny.

Comments

[halieknife.livejournal.com]

You know, as much as I'd like to blame the bear in that car demolishing scenario, Juicy-Fruit is the shit.

Have fun camping with your girls!

Juicy Fruit is the shit.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

I've ripped apart cars for that Zebra Striped gum, too. Juicy Fruit is worth the effort, isn't it.

[thejuicyone.livejournal.com]

famous last words.

kiiiiiidddiiing :)

When will I ever learn?

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Shit! That's exactly what I thought after I wrote this! I swear everything I write comes back and bites me in the ass.

Re: When will I ever learn?

[thejuicyone.livejournal.com]

hahaha maybe it will even more now that you've admitted it ;)

don't be so superstitious :P i've broken 3 mirrors in my lifetime, i think i have about 18 years of bad luck to go :S

[langatmig.livejournal.com]

Aw, I wouldn't get too strung up about the bears, etc. I mean, they're there and what are you going to do about it. When I was in Canada on a wilderness camping trip a couple summers ago, one night we camped on a pretty small island and the guide said, "Well, we know there are at least two bears on this island right now," so we all went to bed freaked out of our minds. Truth is, and they always say it, they really are as afraid of you as you are of them. And yeah, you have to take precautions, but it's unlikely you're going to get into a knock-down drag-out fight with a black bear...

And camping is fun. :D You'll have a really good time, I'm sure!

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the re-assuring words. That plus lots of alcohol plus a flame-retardant suit plus holy water plus pepper spray plus prayer and I will be okay!

[thedeepgreensea.livejournal.com]

I hate you and your camping friends because I never get to go camping or traveling or anything, so now I'm just going to hate everyone who does the things I would do if I weren't so damned alone...so that includes camping, traveling, sex, having fun, smiling, etc, etc, etc....

What the?!?!?

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Hey, you're getting like 80 comments per post. You're like a freakin' rock star now.

Re: What the?!?!?

[thedeepgreensea.livejournal.com]

nah, over half of them are from me...and the others are from like the same 8-10 people just making multiple comments

[ygolonac.livejournal.com]

"Bears like to sniff, claw, sample or rub certain aromatic woods such as cedar or pine and petroleum products including tarpaper, paint turpentine, kerosene, rubber, and charcoal fluid. Store these items in"

From here: http://www.americanbear.org/living_smart.htm

Yup, that republican is trying to take you out. You must strike first and take him out NOWWWW!!!

You can start reading here to bone up on bear saftey tips.
http://www.google.com/search?q=bear+safety+tips&sourceid=opera&num=0&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8

Oh. My. God.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

I thought I was kidding! Holy shit, I'm seriously shocked! He tried to kill me! What should I do?

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[dietcokehed.livejournal.com]

Just get drunk. You won't be afraid and if you get attacked, you likely won't care a may laugh to your death! :)

Just don't get stoned, miss paranoia..."Oh my God, are we getting pulled over?!"...as the Highway Patrol PASSES us ;-P

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what you are talking about!

[dietcokehed.livejournal.com]

Hmm...maybe because you were, shall we say, not of sound mind? :)
Whatchoo tokin' 'bout, Willis?
:D

[ygolonac.livejournal.com]

Apparently red pepper spray works well against bears that are attacking you if you spray it in their mouth and eyes.

However, it is a bear attractant it seems if just sprayed on 'stuff'.
So, get some red pepper spray and save it for bears and any rednecks you may encounter out there.

[acommunistwife.livejournal.com]

I'm paranoid about animal attacks while camping, too. And rattlesnakes. Ugh. Anyway, good luck!

[lcurtis.livejournal.com]

Why are you all worried about bears? Three women: you all should be more worried about tit mouses, don't ya know. :) Have a great time Doro!

tit mouses?

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

What the ?!?!?

forget the bears...

[sirndipiti.livejournal.com]

..and just have fun--after all, it's not like swimming in shark infested waters :)

btw--on our trip to MA this time, I saw, for the first time ever, a road-kill bear--small(ish) black bear along Interstate 80 in PA--musta been a stick of juicy fruit in the middle of the road :)

Re: forget the bears...

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Aw, how sad. Poor little guy :(

[peregrin8.livejournal.com]

One time in Shenandoah I peered out of the tent in the morning and there was a black bear cub on a tree just a few feet away, and Big Mama Bear was standing on her hind legs about 30 feet away saying "hey, get away from those humans." I hid in my tent in a very quiet state of terror and the bears just soundlessly ambled away. Or possibly teleported. They were VERY quiet about it.

Black bears are not the scary ones, really. Compared to grizzlies, black bears are like raccoons. They just want your food. Hang it from a piece of rope between two trees if the campsite doesn't have a designated big metal box to put it in. Don't bring any food in the tent. Have fun!

(Oh yeah, and when we walked back to our tent we liked to make a whole lot of noise and yell "We're here, we're queer, we don't want any more bears!")

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Raccoons, huh? Well, that makes me feel better.

We'll chant every queer chant I can think of! Thanks for the tips.

[dietcokehed.livejournal.com]

Er, actually raccoons can be pretty mean...they beat up a lot of dogs in the hills, like in Paradise and stuff.
But they're small dogs, so you probably still need not worry ;-)

[truejabber.livejournal.com]

I've gone camping in the Maine woods dozens of times and have never seen a bear even though there are lots of them around. I've heard them at night moving through the woods, but they never messed with me. I just keep the food away from the tent. You'll be fine.

As for your republican friend...I don't know. They are just so much better at the underhanded scheming stuff than we are. Tell him that the current administration is certain that there are weapons of mass destruction in his shorts, then toss a grenade down his pants. Not subtle, but effective.

WMD

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

I love it!

Aren't you the popular one?

[sardonic-artery.livejournal.com]

You'll be fine... unless the bears are Republican too.

You know how those Republicans love turning bears into roaming death machines.

Re: Aren't you the popular one?

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Yeah, they turn them into Republicans, too!

[tayliah.livejournal.com]

Yep, keep food out of the tent and you should be okay. If you should ever be approached by a black bear, stand your ground and scream at it, DON'T RUN. No kidding, that is what the forest service says to do (At least the folks in the Smoky Mountains). The more people screaming, the better and it will back off.

I never heard of the period thing, but since many wild animals like fresh, bloody meat...

A few years ago in TN a woman and her husband were hiking to their camp site and a black bear attacked and killed them. The woman had been eaten alive and her body was missing from the waist up. They generally won't bother you, like others have said, they just want your food.

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Holy crap! You just had to tell me about the TN couple, didn't you!
Crap! Crap! Crap!

Forget the Bears

[jael8878.livejournal.com]

Just forget the bears. Drink lots of Sangria, make some hobo packs, play cards by the fire light, and just ignore that crazy guy standing by his illegal fire staring at you all night.
Man, that guy was creepy, wasn't he?
And don't forget the Smores.
Have fun, and I'll call you sometime next week.

Re: Forget the Bears

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

Don't forget the pre-meditated self-defense!