Spinsterhood is Powerful!

[create_destiny]

I've been to a number of weddings and baby showers recently and it's left me wondering: Where are the "showers" for unmarried women who will never have children?

I'm launching a new tradition: a shower celebrating my life choices and circumstances that have resulted in me being unmarried and child-free. It's going to be called a "Fuckin' A, I'm Free" Shower. I'll register for gifts at the Liquor Barn and an antique shop specializing in breakables.

At my Fuckin' A, I'm Free Shower, my guests and I will play games where everyone guesses how many hours of uninterrupted sleep I get per week. Whoever guesses correctly wins a bottle of vodka and a stray cat.

Then I'll pass around a tray filled with non child-safe items that lay casually around my house: x-acto knives, roach clips, rat poison, glass shards, Vicodin, blow torches, flakes of lead paint, and fistfuls of Comet. Once the tray is out of sight everyone will write down all the objects they remember seeing on the tray. Whoever remembers the most objects wins a years supply of spermicidal jelly. The losers have to do tequila shots laced with progesterone.

Drag queens impersonating Cher and Tina Turner will perform for us and we'll have ourselves a fantabulous drunken disco ruckus until the police arrive. But then the police will turn out to be strippers and the party will go through the roof! Unfortunately the real police will show up and we'll have to tone it down a bit.

Those remaining conscious into the early morning hours will snack on sushi and unpasteurized milk products while watching Diane Keaton movies.

Please R.S.V.P.

Comments

[theodicy.livejournal.com]

:gigglesnort: I thank God/ess that if you don't wannem, you don't have to havem. I say, throw that party. Yes yes.

[cwmackowski.livejournal.com]

I have kids; I wasn't offended. I was appalled by the Diane Keaton movies, but hey, that's just me.

People shouldn't knock those fistsful of Comet until they've tried 'em.

[e-compass-rosa.livejournal.com]

I have kids, and I understand. Oh so much, I do.

[halieknife.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I wanna have one too. I think this trend will sweep the nation!

[bug-311.livejournal.com]

Sounds like my life pre-kid... minus the Diane Keaton movies. :)

I'm sorry I made you attend my shower. :( I was glad you were there, however... I will forever hold the name Kex in my heart. :)

There was an episode of Sex and the City that is similar to this post. I related to it very much... Until I got knocked up.
Having a kid is pretty sweet, but I stand by my original feelings of that if I hadn't gotten pregnant by accident, I would have remained childless forever - by choice!! And I probably would have remained unwed as well.

[ygolonac.livejournal.com]

The stray cat you win.

And I'm not cleaning up after this party.

No bachelor party for old men.

[lcurtis.livejournal.com]

No bachelor party for old men.
Tommy Lee Jones is staring in a new movie titled “No Country for Old Men” based on the novel by Cormac McCarthy of the same name. “No Country…” is a compelling and chilling story about greed, revenge and eroding values in modern day America. At the beginning of the story the sheriff, played by Tommy Lee Jones, is invited to a bachelor party for the leading Texas dope smuggler, Kid Weed , played by Robert Redford. The bride to be, Diane Keaton, disguised as a jalapeño pepper stripper from Nogales, slips into the party where the gun toting, knife wielding drug dealing, unshaven, crusty men are eating delicate finger food and singing songs from “The Sound of Music”. Turned off by their behavior, Diane calls off the wedding and vows to remain un-married and childless. She moves to northern California, becomes a Shinto nun for a short time but eventually moves into a relationship with a half German cyber punk refuge from the Sudan, who makes it big in the insurance industry. They adopt several small children from China, who are dealing with Hansen’s disease, and find joy and satisfaction in super gluing their little fingers back on as they fall off.

Fuckin' A indeed.

[90-percent-sure.livejournal.com]

hahahaha! Meta-quoting this.

[biobabe.livejournal.com]

Genius!! I'll bet this has already been forwarded around the internet a hundred times already. You made my morning. Got to run -- stray cat just knocked my bottle of vodka over...

[si-anenome.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I just laughed until I cried. Best post ever.

[gracegiver]

"Fuckin A I'm Free Shower"

You are so wonderful.

[welfy.livejournal.com]

I wish this was public so I could link it! But since it's not, could I at least mention your post and credit you since it's MADE OF AWESOME?!

Amen amen. I relate to this so much.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't eloped because I never got a wedding shower! :^P

[madwriter.livejournal.com]

Oooh! Here's one--A "Guess how many pages I get written on my novel every week" game. :D (I've long since lost count of how many people have told me how often and how much they use to write pre-children.)

[beatnik-bttrfly.livejournal.com]

That is FUCKING fabulous.

I'm married and I didn't get a shower, what gives? Maybe if I get divorced, I'll have one of these!

[honeywoney.livejournal.com]

I'll be sure to send you my address to receive an invitation. ;)

Additional Activities

[cwise.livejournal.com]

I agree with you...you deserve this kind of party. Just add beer bongs as a additional choice for drinkers.

You can buy all these things for your party because you don't have to buy for your children...food, clothes, electronic gadgets, CD's, DVD's, school supplies, extra sporting club fees, dance class fees, money to spend with their friends when they go to a movie, school event, out to eat, the mall, Starbucks, ect...you get the point. I say PARTY ON!

[nightlikeariver.livejournal.com]

haha. perfect.

;)

[robin-andersen.livejournal.com]

Hey, I got kids (so what if they are almost 29 & 26) and I wasn't offended.
I'd be happy to come to that shower and bring a bottle of Godiva Liquer cos I think that's something a "spinster" might enjoy.
Plus how about some sort of special tax break for people who buy all the junk the kid's parents sell? I mean, how much gift wrap can I really use? And forget the pizzas, too expensive, so I might as well order one to be delivered.
I'm with you. And for those who are "childless by choice" - here's a better term for you - "childfree". "Childless" implies that you are missing something. "Childfree" (to me) means "freedom".....

You Rule!

[dietcokehed.livejournal.com]

I have kids and I'm not offended :)

Does one have to be kid-free to be invited to your party? Cuz it sounds fanfuckingtastic!!

[virginiapaints.livejournal.com]

I am "empty nest" and divorced... can I come?

You've inspired me!

[1gr8poetess.livejournal.com]

I really like this livejournal site and started up my own. Thanks for setting a great example for other writers with your journal! Jen-Marie