Spinsterhood is Powerful!

[create_destiny]

I've been to a number of weddings and baby showers recently and it's left me wondering: Where are the "showers" for unmarried women who will never have children?

I'm launching a new tradition: a shower celebrating my life choices and circumstances that have resulted in me being unmarried and child-free. It's going to be called a "Fuckin' A, I'm Free" Shower. I'll register for gifts at the Liquor Barn and an antique shop specializing in breakables.

At my Fuckin' A, I'm Free Shower, my guests and I will play games where everyone guesses how many hours of uninterrupted sleep I get per week. Whoever guesses correctly wins a bottle of vodka and a stray cat.

Then I'll pass around a tray filled with non child-safe items that lay casually around my house: x-acto knives, roach clips, rat poison, glass shards, Vicodin, blow torches, flakes of lead paint, and fistfuls of Comet. Once the tray is out of sight everyone will write down all the objects they remember seeing on the tray. Whoever remembers the most objects wins a years supply of spermicidal jelly. The losers have to do tequila shots laced with progesterone.

Drag queens impersonating Cher and Tina Turner will perform for us and we'll have ourselves a fantabulous drunken disco ruckus until the police arrive. But then the police will turn out to be strippers and the party will go through the roof! Unfortunately the real police will show up and we'll have to tone it down a bit.

Those remaining conscious into the early morning hours will snack on sushi and unpasteurized milk products while watching Diane Keaton movies.

Please R.S.V.P.

Comments

[beatnik-bttrfly.livejournal.com]

That is FUCKING fabulous.

I'm married and I didn't get a shower, what gives? Maybe if I get divorced, I'll have one of these!

[createdestiny.livejournal.com]

There actually is a new tradition of Divorce Parties now. I read about one where a the cake is made and decorated to look like testicles with a very small penis. The climax of the party is the ceremonial cutting off and flushing the penis down the toilet and then cutting up the "balls" and eating them.

There's even a website where you can order supplies for a divorce (or breaking up) party.

Not that I'm hoping you'll get a divorce!