Spinsterhood is Powerful!
Dec. 1st, 2007 09:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
create_destinyI've been to a number of weddings and baby showers recently and it's left me wondering: Where are the "showers" for unmarried women who will never have children?
I'm launching a new tradition: a shower celebrating my life choices and circumstances that have resulted in me being unmarried and child-free. It's going to be called a "Fuckin' A, I'm Free" Shower. I'll register for gifts at the Liquor Barn and an antique shop specializing in breakables.
At my Fuckin' A, I'm Free Shower, my guests and I will play games where everyone guesses how many hours of uninterrupted sleep I get per week. Whoever guesses correctly wins a bottle of vodka and a stray cat.
Then I'll pass around a tray filled with non child-safe items that lay casually around my house: x-acto knives, roach clips, rat poison, glass shards, Vicodin, blow torches, flakes of lead paint, and fistfuls of Comet. Once the tray is out of sight everyone will write down all the objects they remember seeing on the tray. Whoever remembers the most objects wins a years supply of spermicidal jelly. The losers have to do tequila shots laced with progesterone.
Drag queens impersonating Cher and Tina Turner will perform for us and we'll have ourselves a fantabulous drunken disco ruckus until the police arrive. But then the police will turn out to be strippers and the party will go through the roof! Unfortunately the real police will show up and we'll have to tone it down a bit.
Those remaining conscious into the early morning hours will snack on sushi and unpasteurized milk products while watching Diane Keaton movies.
Please R.S.V.P.
I'm launching a new tradition: a shower celebrating my life choices and circumstances that have resulted in me being unmarried and child-free. It's going to be called a "Fuckin' A, I'm Free" Shower. I'll register for gifts at the Liquor Barn and an antique shop specializing in breakables.
At my Fuckin' A, I'm Free Shower, my guests and I will play games where everyone guesses how many hours of uninterrupted sleep I get per week. Whoever guesses correctly wins a bottle of vodka and a stray cat.
Then I'll pass around a tray filled with non child-safe items that lay casually around my house: x-acto knives, roach clips, rat poison, glass shards, Vicodin, blow torches, flakes of lead paint, and fistfuls of Comet. Once the tray is out of sight everyone will write down all the objects they remember seeing on the tray. Whoever remembers the most objects wins a years supply of spermicidal jelly. The losers have to do tequila shots laced with progesterone.
Drag queens impersonating Cher and Tina Turner will perform for us and we'll have ourselves a fantabulous drunken disco ruckus until the police arrive. But then the police will turn out to be strippers and the party will go through the roof! Unfortunately the real police will show up and we'll have to tone it down a bit.
Those remaining conscious into the early morning hours will snack on sushi and unpasteurized milk products while watching Diane Keaton movies.
Please R.S.V.P.
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 06:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 06:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 06:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 07:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 04:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 06:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 06:41 am (UTC)People shouldn't knock those fistsful of Comet until they've tried 'em.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 06:51 am (UTC)I haven't seen many Diane Keaton movies, but if you google "famous spinsters" she pops up. So does Susan B. Anthony, Clara Barton, Jane Austen, Emily Dickenson, Harper Lee and the Brönte sisters just to name a few.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 07:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 08:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 08:44 am (UTC)I'm sorry I made you attend my shower. :( I was glad you were there, however... I will forever hold the name Kex in my heart. :)
There was an episode of Sex and the City that is similar to this post. I related to it very much... Until I got knocked up.
Having a kid is pretty sweet, but I stand by my original feelings of that if I hadn't gotten pregnant by accident, I would have remained childless forever - by choice!! And I probably would have remained unwed as well.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 03:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 09:40 am (UTC)The stray cat you win.
And I'm not cleaning up after this party.
No bachelor party for old men.
Date: 2007-12-02 11:38 am (UTC)Tommy Lee Jones is staring in a new movie titled “No Country for Old Men” based on the novel by Cormac McCarthy of the same name. “No Country…” is a compelling and chilling story about greed, revenge and eroding values in modern day America. At the beginning of the story the sheriff, played by Tommy Lee Jones, is invited to a bachelor party for the leading Texas dope smuggler, Kid Weed , played by Robert Redford. The bride to be, Diane Keaton, disguised as a jalapeño pepper stripper from Nogales, slips into the party where the gun toting, knife wielding drug dealing, unshaven, crusty men are eating delicate finger food and singing songs from “The Sound of Music”. Turned off by their behavior, Diane calls off the wedding and vows to remain un-married and childless. She moves to northern California, becomes a Shinto nun for a short time but eventually moves into a relationship with a half German cyber punk refuge from the Sudan, who makes it big in the insurance industry. They adopt several small children from China, who are dealing with Hansen’s disease, and find joy and satisfaction in super gluing their little fingers back on as they fall off.
Re: No bachelor party for old men.
Date: 2007-12-02 04:15 pm (UTC)Fuckin' A indeed.
Date: 2007-12-02 02:47 pm (UTC)Re: Fuckin' A indeed.
Date: 2007-12-02 07:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 07:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 04:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 05:53 pm (UTC)You are so wonderful.
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Date: 2007-12-02 06:07 pm (UTC)Amen amen. I relate to this so much.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't eloped because I never got a wedding shower! :^P
no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 07:56 pm (UTC)Yeah, I guess you miss out on a bunch of stuff when you elope, but it's probably worth it (at least in my book it is).
You can mention, quote and credit me all you want.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 08:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 08:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-02 08:31 pm (UTC)I'm married and I didn't get a shower, what gives? Maybe if I get divorced, I'll have one of these!
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Date: 2007-12-02 08:52 pm (UTC)There's even a website where you can order supplies for a divorce (or breaking up) party.
Not that I'm hoping you'll get a divorce!
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Date: 2007-12-03 05:27 am (UTC)Additional Activities
Date: 2007-12-03 08:36 pm (UTC)You can buy all these things for your party because you don't have to buy for your children...food, clothes, electronic gadgets, CD's, DVD's, school supplies, extra sporting club fees, dance class fees, money to spend with their friends when they go to a movie, school event, out to eat, the mall, Starbucks, ect...you get the point. I say PARTY ON!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-04 12:07 am (UTC);)
Date: 2007-12-04 03:04 am (UTC)I'd be happy to come to that shower and bring a bottle of Godiva Liquer cos I think that's something a "spinster" might enjoy.
Plus how about some sort of special tax break for people who buy all the junk the kid's parents sell? I mean, how much gift wrap can I really use? And forget the pizzas, too expensive, so I might as well order one to be delivered.
I'm with you. And for those who are "childless by choice" - here's a better term for you - "childfree". "Childless" implies that you are missing something. "Childfree" (to me) means "freedom".....
Re: ;)
Date: 2007-12-04 03:36 am (UTC)Yeah, I hear ya about buying stuff kid's parents sell. I've bought $28.00 worth of cookie dough in the past few weeks to support school fundraisers. Whatever happened to the big $1.00 or $2.00 candy bars?!?! Now it's $14.00 for a tub of cookie dough! Pretty steep if you ask me.
I can't say I'm child-free by choice alone. At many points in my life I thought I would have a family of my own one day, but it wasn't in the cards, I suppose. I'm okay with that.
Re: ;)
Date: 2007-12-05 03:39 am (UTC)as to "childfree" vs "childless", I hear you. I took the long road to parenthood - infertility treatments. Not a road to be taken lightly, but neither is parenthood.
Re: ;)
Date: 2007-12-05 04:02 am (UTC)You Rule!
Date: 2007-12-04 05:08 am (UTC)Does one have to be kid-free to be invited to your party? Cuz it sounds fanfuckingtastic!!
Re: You Rule!
Date: 2007-12-05 02:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-04 11:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-05 02:14 am (UTC)You've inspired me!
Date: 2007-12-13 05:57 pm (UTC)