Spinsterhood is Powerful!
Dec. 1st, 2007 09:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
create_destinyI've been to a number of weddings and baby showers recently and it's left me wondering: Where are the "showers" for unmarried women who will never have children?
I'm launching a new tradition: a shower celebrating my life choices and circumstances that have resulted in me being unmarried and child-free. It's going to be called a "Fuckin' A, I'm Free" Shower. I'll register for gifts at the Liquor Barn and an antique shop specializing in breakables.
At my Fuckin' A, I'm Free Shower, my guests and I will play games where everyone guesses how many hours of uninterrupted sleep I get per week. Whoever guesses correctly wins a bottle of vodka and a stray cat.
Then I'll pass around a tray filled with non child-safe items that lay casually around my house: x-acto knives, roach clips, rat poison, glass shards, Vicodin, blow torches, flakes of lead paint, and fistfuls of Comet. Once the tray is out of sight everyone will write down all the objects they remember seeing on the tray. Whoever remembers the most objects wins a years supply of spermicidal jelly. The losers have to do tequila shots laced with progesterone.
Drag queens impersonating Cher and Tina Turner will perform for us and we'll have ourselves a fantabulous drunken disco ruckus until the police arrive. But then the police will turn out to be strippers and the party will go through the roof! Unfortunately the real police will show up and we'll have to tone it down a bit.
Those remaining conscious into the early morning hours will snack on sushi and unpasteurized milk products while watching Diane Keaton movies.
Please R.S.V.P.
I'm launching a new tradition: a shower celebrating my life choices and circumstances that have resulted in me being unmarried and child-free. It's going to be called a "Fuckin' A, I'm Free" Shower. I'll register for gifts at the Liquor Barn and an antique shop specializing in breakables.
At my Fuckin' A, I'm Free Shower, my guests and I will play games where everyone guesses how many hours of uninterrupted sleep I get per week. Whoever guesses correctly wins a bottle of vodka and a stray cat.
Then I'll pass around a tray filled with non child-safe items that lay casually around my house: x-acto knives, roach clips, rat poison, glass shards, Vicodin, blow torches, flakes of lead paint, and fistfuls of Comet. Once the tray is out of sight everyone will write down all the objects they remember seeing on the tray. Whoever remembers the most objects wins a years supply of spermicidal jelly. The losers have to do tequila shots laced with progesterone.
Drag queens impersonating Cher and Tina Turner will perform for us and we'll have ourselves a fantabulous drunken disco ruckus until the police arrive. But then the police will turn out to be strippers and the party will go through the roof! Unfortunately the real police will show up and we'll have to tone it down a bit.
Those remaining conscious into the early morning hours will snack on sushi and unpasteurized milk products while watching Diane Keaton movies.
Please R.S.V.P.
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;)
Date: 2007-12-04 03:04 am (UTC)I'd be happy to come to that shower and bring a bottle of Godiva Liquer cos I think that's something a "spinster" might enjoy.
Plus how about some sort of special tax break for people who buy all the junk the kid's parents sell? I mean, how much gift wrap can I really use? And forget the pizzas, too expensive, so I might as well order one to be delivered.
I'm with you. And for those who are "childless by choice" - here's a better term for you - "childfree". "Childless" implies that you are missing something. "Childfree" (to me) means "freedom".....
Re: ;)
Date: 2007-12-04 03:36 am (UTC)Yeah, I hear ya about buying stuff kid's parents sell. I've bought $28.00 worth of cookie dough in the past few weeks to support school fundraisers. Whatever happened to the big $1.00 or $2.00 candy bars?!?! Now it's $14.00 for a tub of cookie dough! Pretty steep if you ask me.
I can't say I'm child-free by choice alone. At many points in my life I thought I would have a family of my own one day, but it wasn't in the cards, I suppose. I'm okay with that.
Re: ;)
Date: 2007-12-05 03:39 am (UTC)as to "childfree" vs "childless", I hear you. I took the long road to parenthood - infertility treatments. Not a road to be taken lightly, but neither is parenthood.
Re: ;)
Date: 2007-12-05 04:02 am (UTC)